- This post is the second part of a two-part series on shame. Please read Part I here.
An Invitation to Shame Work - Is there really a way out?
So, how do we stop shaming and should'ing ourselves? I’m reminded of an old MadTV skit with Bob Newhart posing as a therapist, providing 5-minute sessions with one simple technique summed up in two words: “Stop It!!” Have you ever tried stopping your shame narrative and self-judgement by telling yourself to knock it off and just do better? One of the greatest falsities about shame is that of being an ever-useful motivator. Shame and its tactics work brilliantly in the short-term to ‘scare us straight,’ but it has massive repercussions in the long-term on our self-concept and relationships. Unfortunately, pushing shame down to ‘stop it’ actually pours lighter fluid on the fire. What we resist, persists and grows stronger. Shame requires a different approach.
Brown suggests the way out of shame is to embrace both empathy and vulnerability. She outlined engagement with the three C’s—Courage, Compassion, and Connection—to increase our resilience to shame (2007). Why exactly does empathy play such a crucial role in our shame work? Empathy dispels shame, and shame depletes empathy (p.59). When we offer empathy to ourselves and to others, resisting the urge to offer judgment instead, we extinguish the destructive force of shame in us.
To assist in changing shame’s impact upon us, Brown created the
Shame Resilience Theory, composed of four elements:
- Recognize Shame: Understand Our Shame Triggers
- Exercise Critical Awareness: Bring attention to our shame web/social-community expectations
- Speak Shame: Express the feeling and ask for what we need
Vulnerability, connection with others, and increased empathy are key components to engaging with and transforming our shame stories. To engage in the Shame Resilience Model, Brown offers a
reading guide in which to address shame and build skills to traverse through it.
Thompson offers a similar approach to engage shame’s impact, noting that authentic vulnerability is the way through shame. He encourages practicing acts of imagination in creativity, taking an inventory of shame, and ‘scorning shame’ through focusing on truth (2015). Further, he invites participation in healing communities, later termed ‘
Confessional Communities,’ to speak shame in vulnerability and partake in corrective relational experiences. Only when acceptance is embodied through healing relationships can our shame stories be stripped of their power.
In the rooms of addiction recovery, 12-step meetings can serve as one of many healing communities for dispelling the shame that binds us. To work a recovery program is to address both the consequences of and guilt from destructive behavior, as well as the shame wrapped up in the addiction and sense of self. Within certain recovery programs, a full shame inventory is recommended while working through
;">Step Four:
‘Made a fearless and searching moral inventory.;">’ In
Step Five—
‘Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs’ —there is another opportunity to offer confession and receive genuine, embodied empathy. Similar opportunities to speak our shame stories can be found in therapy support groups, grief processing groups, trauma groups, etc. In shame work, it is essential to experience,
;">in mind and in body, that: 1) we are not alone, 2) we are not flawed beyond hope, and 3) naming our deepest fears (e.g. - fear of abandonment if seen at our worst) can be met with healing in a relational community.
Individual therapy can also offer the opportunity for healing, corrective experiences through co-regulation, empathy, and safe earned attachment. To hear a client share, ‘I’ve never told anyone this, but…” is sacred ground for healing. That which is offered in vulnerability opens the hope to amend a client’s relationship to shame, thus altering their relationship with self, God, and others. Therapy is an excellent tool to expose our distorted thinking (shame narrative), engage in alternative thinking (gentler, truthful statements) in order to reframe our stories and separate shame from our identity and self-worth (this framework is found in CBT cognitive restructuring). As therapy is one tool of many, it is imperative to establish a social support structure with safe relationships in which to engage in empathetic vulnerability and experience unconditional acceptance.
Conclusion
As a clinician, my personal shame work has been an essential practice in order to show up as a ‘good enough’ therapist. Such is true for all of my different roles—mom, wife, daughter, neighbor, self—as it is imperative to address the effect of shame on the way that I relate to others, to myself, and to God. Part of the work in addressing my shame is bringing in my warped perfectionism, my bent toward isolation and avoidance, and my shame stories into my safe, empathetic communities. Succinctly put, “We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. And shame is committed to keeping us sick” (Thompson, 2015, p. 31). We cannot do this work alone.
Our goal is to gently and empathetically uncover our stories of shame in order to move toward health. In resisting the urge to hide or blame, we can be honest within our safe communities about our ‘damaged parts,’ perceived and real, to move toward integration of mind, increased self-esteem, and healthier relationships. Though the fear of rejection will not be fully extinguished, we understand that we suffer, as do our communities, when we withhold our authenticity and hide in our shame. If we want to be known, to be seen, and to know others in safety–which to be human is to hold such need–then it is time to lay down our shields of shame and take up empathy, vulnerability, creativity, and courage to forge an authentic path ahead.
Resources on Shame Work:
Curt Thompson
Brené Brown
Harriet Lerner
John Bradshaw
Brown, B. (2007).
I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from ‘What will people think?’ to ‘I am enough.’
Thompson, C. (2015). The soul of shame: Retelling the stories we believe about ourselves. [E-book edition]. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.
To learn more about Stacy, please visit her bio page. She is currently accepting new clients and sees clients both in person in Evanston and virtually via telehealth.
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