Our human nature, in part, is one of making meaning of our lives. Our ability and innate sense to tell a story, to weave into narrative the internal and external experiences of our lives, is one of the traits that separate us in the animal kingdom as uniquely human. Making meaning and attaching narrative to our daily experience is how we come to understand ourselves, our relationships, and our world. The stories we tell about ourselves and to ourselves is one of identity, purpose, experience, and attachment. Here, we will examine an oft-unseen component of our stories and internal narratives—shame. From imposter syndrome, body shame, self-judgement and self-loathing, to disconnection from others and fragmentation within ourselves, shame is an undercurrent that divides and disintegrates our minds and our relationships.
As I write, I am aware of the shame that quickly invades my headspace—the internal monologue sounds something like: ‘Do I really have anything important to say? Why on earth did I pick a topic that I still struggle with so much? Why did I wait so long to start this–I want to get this right!’ The irony is not lost on me. In my struggle with shame, my desire to present a product that is more than ‘good enough’ can be a powerful undercurrent—perfectionism and avoidance, as we will explore, can be fueled by shame. How apt! As a fellow imperfect human, the simple, undeniable fact is that I will make mistakes and show up with my flaws. The way I relate to myself and others in light of my imperfections— those experienced in the past, present, and future—will be highly influenced by my relationship with shame.
The Nature of Shame – What is it and why do we care?
To start, let’s get clear about the ‘what’ of shame. Shame and guilt are not the same, though often are used interchangeably. For a basic working definition of each, it is generally helpful to consider this:
Guilt = I FEEL bad (Refers to a specific behavior or thought and its impact)
*I am propelled to move toward others and/or myself
Shame = I AM bad
*I am propelled to move away from others and/or myself
Guilt often refers to feeling uneasy about a specific behavior, choice, thought, or pattern—aka having a ‘guilty conscience.’ Guilt can be incredibly good and quite healthy. Guilt can motivate us as humans to treat others well, to make choices that align with our values, and to repair the ruptures that are inevitable in relationships. In general, guilt motivates us to turn toward others in order to maintain attachment, and grow in maturity.
Shame, on the other hand, is more insidious. As an emotion, shame does have the basic protective function in our early years of life— its objective is to ensure we as humans do not lose our attachment to our primary caregiver(s). However, when shame enters our internal narratives, it quickly becomes destructive. Instead of staying contained to a behavior, choice, or thought as does guilt, shame goes further within our stories to describe and define who we are. Shame attaches itself to us in ownership—‘I am bad’— to describe our identities as not only imperfect (we are), but definitively defective (we are not). Shame causes us to turn away from others and exile our imperfect parts of self.
Brené Brown, a researcher on shame and vulnerability, defines shame in this way:
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” (Brown, 2015, p. 5)
Brown denotes that shame elicits three main feelings: 1) fear, 2) blame, and 3) disconnection (2015). When the narrative of shame kicks in, I indeed am fearful (‘If so and so finds out, they won’t talk to me,’ ‘I’m an imposter’), I blame or judge others and/or myself (‘If they…, I wouldn’t have…’ ‘I’m an idiot’), and I turn away and disconnect through isolation and masking (insert fake smile, ‘I’m fine!’). A common thought and/or behavior pattern in the blame- and shame-game can be found in the form of self-judgement and judgement of others, which in turn, disconnects and distances. Unfortunately, this cycle can become self-fulfilling, as disconnection from others and a lower esteem of self can reinforce a fear of rejection–and on the shame cycle goes.
We all have influences informing our shame stories, experienced both implicitly and explicitly. Shame doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It starts with implicit information beginning at 15-18mo of age, perceived (unconsciously) as a threat to our attachment with a primary caregiver(s), and can be received in the form of neuroception throughout the lifespan. Our shame can also be painfully explicit in the hurtful experiences we endured, and the labels told over us—in our homes, at school, and everywhere in between. Statements such as, ‘You’re too much, you’re a pain, you’re so ugly/stupid/lazy, you don’t belong here, What is wrong with you?…’ can quickly become our internalized stories. Brown names the expectations placed on us as ‘social-community expectations’—Who we should be, What we should be, and How we should be—and suggests these expectations form what she terms one’s ‘Shame Web’ (Brown, 2007, p. 18).
What can exacerbate our stories of shame? Pain. As children, we are excellent observers/perceivers, and yet terrible interpreters. In our child minds, we interpret all negative experiences and assign blame to ourselves in order to keep attachment. Why are mom and dad fighting? It’s my fault. Why is my teacher always angry? I’m stupid. Why don’t I have any friends? I’m not good enough. Any kind of negative experience, small or large, at any stage of life, has the potential to fuel our shame. In significant trauma, some of the hallmark symptoms are exaggerated blame of self or others as well as overly negative thoughts about oneself or the world (APA, 2022). One need not have a history of trauma, however, to experience the effects of shame.
The Nature of Shame within a Christian Faith Perspective
In the book of Genesis, the human race doesn’t get out of Eden before encountering shame. And what did Adam and Eve do with their shame? They hid (fear), they blamed, and they experienced disconnection, from one another and from God (Gen. 3). The ‘nakedness’ Adam and Eve experienced was more than just a lack of clothing, but of sudden awareness of their weakness, vulnerability, and deep imperfection. Thompson denotes shame as not only a consequence of sin, but “the emotional weapon that evil uses to (1) corrupt our relationships with God and each other, and (2) disintegrate any and all gifts of vocational vision and creativity” (2015, p. 13). He boldly describes shame as violent and violating–as evil committed violence against humanity through isolation, separation, and distortion–thus setting humankind on a path of destruction and war against God and each other (2023, pg. 18).
Why are the stories of Rahab, the prodigal son, the woman at the well, etc., so compelling to us? Their stories of shame are met not with condemnation, but with compassion, connection, and reconciliation. God restores their relationship to himself, and then to their community. Isn’t this similar to all of our stories? We expect condemnation and yet are offered something vastly different through Christ’s mercy. I think of the story of Hagar (Gen 16), sent away to the desert from the destructive shame and blame story of Abram and Sarai. Hagar responds to the Lord’s compassion and gives the name ‘El Roi,’ the God who sees me, as she is lifted out of shame and given a new story (v. 13).
This is, by no means, an exhaustive look into the story of shame throughout scripture. It is, however, an acknowledgement that shame has been intended to devour us (Jn 10:10). Shame aims to destroy our connection to God, dis-integrate our own minds, and sever relationships between one another. One of the many ways God offers redemption is through breaking the chains of our shame, and providing access to hope, connection, and mercy.
What does shame have to do with perfection?
Shame dismisses our imperfections as possible growth edges, where mistakes could be held as hopeful invitations to grow, and instead relabels our flaws as badges of inadequacy with an assured despair. Imposter syndrome thrives in this space, as does self-judgement and self-hatred. We oscillate from the desire to hide and quit, to the false hope that if we really perfect ourselves—if we get smarter, more proficient, and more beautiful/presentable in this way and that—then we can be valued, seen, known, and respected. Since the fear of abandonment is so central to the voice of shame, it has us scrambling to work incredibly hard in order to buy our acceptance and belonging (yet, in shame, we also won’t believe any love/acceptance offered to us is real).
Thus enters perfection and a case of the ‘should’s.’ Though perfection is not solely a byproduct of shame (anxiety is a strong player too), it is very much a co-conspirator. Through our urgency to shed shame and transform ourselves into a presentable product, our fear of rejection propels us to work harder and show up as best. Of course, when we bring to mind all of the ways we think we ‘should’ be, we can spend a lifetime spinning our wheels to earn love, be good, and whip those flaws into submission. As perfection is an unobtainable goal, we can also get stuck in avoidance–fear of doing the thing and failing (what we expect will happen) is another way we isolate and insulate ourselves from others in our shame. Even this week, my case of the ‘should’s’ sounded something like this: ‘Ugh, I should stop being so messy,’ ‘I should be a better model for my kids’ and ‘I should have finished that work project ages ago.’ At times, I can feel powerless to stop ‘should-ing’ on myself. Can you relate?
I am, and will continue to be, a recovering perfectionist. I run into my desire to be perfect, or at least as close as I can get, in most every arena. I appreciate the growing awareness of my ‘should’s’ offered in the language of ‘expectations of self.’ I have expectations for myself as a woman, a mom, a clinician, and so on. I have expectations of my behavior, and expectations of what is right and good and ‘allowed’ for me. Plenty of these expectations are really healthy and important tools to guide me toward my values. However, when my shame narrative infiltrates my expectations of self, these quickly become distorted (similar to Brown’s Shame Web). Suddenly, my expectations push me toward I ‘should’ have my life together, figured this out, taken better care of my body, been a better… etc. With shame, my expectation of self can morph into expectation that ‘I should’ see three steps ahead in life, be wise enough to handle it, and ensure that I will not suffer, nor inflict, undue harm. Living into my shame narrative, I expect myself to be super-human, without limitation, and definitely without imperfection (and since I know I can’t be perfect, the second choice is to mask and ‘Fake it til I make it!).
For my clients, I hear how shame interrupts the grief process in the bargain/blaming phase. Though presenting concerns are varied, I listen as my clients explain their own expectations of self in how they ‘should’ be better and faster at grieving and growing. In pain, they often question why they can’t just ‘get over’ their trauma, move on with life quickly and put broken relationships or painful experiences in the past—that they ‘should’ heal faster. Don’t we all hold similar expectations for ourselves, to move through life with less blemish, less pain, and quicker healing? Shame is an incredible burden to carry, and one that need not be carried alone.
Shame, Perfection, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves – Part Two
Coming Soon – Part Two will be available in our next blog post
Resources on Shame Work:
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787
Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from ‘What will people think?’ to ‘I am enough.’ New York: Avery / Penguin Random House.
Thompson, C. (2023). The deepest place: Suffering and the formation of hope. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
Thompson, C. (2015). The soul of shame: Retelling the stories we believe about ourselves. [E-book edition]. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.
To learn more about Stacy, please visit her bio page. She is currently accepting new clients and sees clients both in person in Evanston and virtually via telehealth.