Emotions Aren’t the Enemy: How to Understand and Move Through Them

Many people come to therapy hoping to figure out a way to reduce or eliminate the negative emotions they are feeling. Maybe they notice themselves feeling anxious, sad, or angry all the time. Perhaps they want to figure out a way not to feel triggered so often or have such a big reaction to a challenge.

While learning how to manage your emotions and how to respond well to situations are noble goals and definitely something that happens in therapy, the way to get there is not to figure out a way to make your emotions disappear. The goal is to learn how to feel your feelings – how to move through your emotions and understand the information that they give you.

While our cultural context might have a lot to say about emotions, such as that those who express them are “crazy” or “weak,” and that those who suppress or hide them are “strong” or “stable,” emotions are simply part of the human experience. In reality, emotions are neither good nor bad – they just are.

Emotions are the sum of our subjective experience, bodily sensations, and behavior or reactions. Often we experience emotions very quickly – if someone cuts you off in traffic, for example, you might be annoyed immediately and without first considering that reaction.

So why bother with emotions? Why does it matter what we do (or don’t do) with them?

Emotions serve a purpose – they give us information, help us connect with others, and help us respond to threats. When you feel angry about something, that strong emotion tells you that that thing matters to you. That’s information you can use going forward. When you express your sadness to your friend, that friend can help comfort you. And when you feel scared or threatened, that emotion can help you react in ways to protect yourself. Emotions are important!

Many of us struggle to feel our feelings. We lack the skills to tolerate their intensity and move through them. Instead, we try to suppress or avoid them. We turn to distraction or deflection. Scrolling through social media when we’re feeling upset or anxious might provide relief at the moment, but it doesn’t help us move through the emotions and start to understand what might be beneath.

As you start to dip your toe into the waters of emotions, one exercise to try is the Fishbowl Exercise. This exercise comes from the work of Dr. Jenny Wang.

Try this exercise when you feel an overwhelming emotion. Imagine having a clear glass bowl. Imagine taking the overwhelming emotion you’re feeling and placing it inside the fishbowl. What does it look like? Is it big, colorful, and intense like fireworks? Does it have a color? Is it moving?

Imagine walking around the fishbowl and observing your emotion. Does your emotion change as time passes? Does its intensity fade with some time? What sensations do you notice in your body? How do these sensations change or stay the same as you imagine walking around the fishbowl and looking inside?

This exercise can help you move through emotions because it helps you put some distance between yourself and your emotional experience. As you imagine observing your emotion in the fishbowl, you can see that while you are experiencing this emotion, you are not solely this emotion. You can also observe some of the qualities of your experience and how they might shift, which will help remind you that emotions are temporary, and, like a wave, will soon crest and pass.

There are many other things you might try as you learn to move through your emotions. Sometimes it can be helpful to take a break and calm down your body and your nervous system.

One way to do that is through physical activity. Simply moving your body – taking a walk, dancing to music, lifting something heavy, pushing against a wall, or stomping your feet can help your body feel more regulated.

Another idea is to practice mindfulness. This can be as simple as setting a timer for a few minutes and sitting quietly. You can look out the window and notice what you see – are there cars passing by? Are trees moving gently in the wind? Can you notice your breath? What does your body feel like as you are sitting in your chair? Slowing down and paying attention to the present moment can help us feel calmer in the midst of strong emotions.

Learning to “feel your feelings,” or move through your emotions, is a skill you can learn and get better at. Don’t be discouraged if it feels hard or if you find it challenging. Perhaps when you first try the fishbowl exercise, you’re only able to do it for a minute. That’s okay! Give yourself grace, keep learning from your experiences, and try again. As you gain skills and experience, you’ll find that you are less overwhelmed by emotions and better able to respond to stressful situations. Keep practicing!

The Fishbowl exercise comes from Dr. Jenny Wang’s book Permission to Come Home. Other helpful resources include the work of Dr. Hillary McBride, including her books The Wisdom of Your Body and Practices for Embodied Living

To learn more about Rebecca, please visit her bio page. She is currently accepting new clients and sees clients both in person in Evanston and virtually via telehealth. 

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