“Give Grandma a kiss.”
“We’re running late! Everybody in the car now!”
“Get out from under the table and eat your vegetables!”
Sound familiar? You hear or say these things to your children year-round, but during the holidays, everything seems to be amped up, doesn’t it? This time of year is loaded with expectations and extras. You expect good behavior from your children. You expect traditions, new and old, to go as planned. You expect to give your children the best holiday experience ever. Extra events, extra lights, extra food, extra people. How are parents supposed to maintain their sanity in the midst of all this? Here’s a secret: You might not and that’s okay. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Many children struggle with over-stimulation, especially when schedules are off, and they are tired. Stick to schedules as much as possible. You don’t have to do everything and see everything. That neighborhood with the impressive light display three towns over? Weigh the pros and cons of bundling everyone up and piling into the car versus staying home and getting kids to bed on time. My guess is that the display will be there again next year, and it would be more meaningful to read a book by the light of the Christmas tree.
- Your child(ren) may be hesitant to hug and kiss relatives and friends whom they haven’t seen in a long time. It’s okay if they don’t want to. Talk about it ahead of time and give them other options. Then be willing to advocate for your child. “David isn’t ready to give hugs right now, but he will give you a high five/fist bump/wave.” Respect your child’s choice. It goes a long way in building your child’s autonomy.
- Your child(ren)’s behavior is not a direct reflection of your parenting. My family has a rule, “No singing at the dinner table.” My six-year-old niece sang through most of the Thanksgiving meal (despite attempts to get her to stop and eat) because she was excited to be with her cousins, and that’s how she expresses excitement. Take into consideration the event and your surroundings. Certainly, you still expect your children to behave but have a little extra grace if they end up under the table more than on their chair.
- You cannot shield your child(ren) from all disappointment. This is a good chance to show empathy. “You’re disappointed that you didn’t get that one gift. It’s hard to feel that way.” Be in the disappointment with them. Don’t belittle or shame them for feeling sad or angry or disappointed. Feelings are feelings. Help them regulate through the down feelings with a hug or by focusing on something they do have.
- It’s okay to excuse yourself from a situation if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by feelings and ready to blow your lid. Take that extra trip to the bathroom to splash some cold water on your face or to do some breathing exercises to get grounded. If anyone asks what you’re doing, be honest. You’re taking a moment. This sets a good example for your children. They aren’t the only ones who get over-stimulated by sights, sounds, and smells.
- When your child(ren) act up, go back to the basics. Are they hungry? Thirsty? Cold? Hot? Need the bathroom? Tired? Over-stimulated? Address their basic needs first. When you want to act up, go back to the basics. Are you hungry, thirsty, cold, hot, need the bathroom, tired, over-stimulated? Meet your basic needs. Find your grounding techniques.
This holiday season, I encourage you to slow down and simplify. Take the time to think about what you’re doing and why. I have yet to talk to anyone who regretted doing less and wished they’d done more. Decide what is really important and most beneficial for your family and do that.
Erin Stoel provides services to children, adolescents, and adults. She is trained in Child Centered Play Therapy and also offers Parent Coaching. Erin is a strong believer in the importance of play at any age. If you want to learn more about Erin, please read her bio here. She can be reached at estoel@springtreecounseling.