When a couple contacts our office for marriage or relationship counseling, they often report the need for help with communication. And this is often true. Good communication skills and practices are important in marriage as well as all relationships. The good news is that a considerable amount of research has been done in this area. We know what makes for good communication and what doesn’t. We can learn to change our pattern of speech to drive better communication and increase the quality of relationships. It is certainly worth contacting our office for help with communication, however, there is often a deeper yearning to be understood that good communication skills alone cannot reach.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) takes a couple beyond good communication skills to a place of emotional connection that is often the motivation for establishing their relationship in the first place. Romance and partnership develop when two people find a deeper sense of being understood, of experiencing safety, and finding acceptance from their partner. But this combination of romance, safety, and acceptance can be fragile. And, as Sue Johnson explains, our success in relationships is often connected to our attachment style. Attachment styles are a larger discussion for another time, but are understood to be formed early in life and generally fall in the categories of anxious, avoidant, or secure attachment styles. A successful relationship can be formed from any combination of styles, and each style has its own way of contributing to a couple’s partnership for good or ill.
When two people form a relationship they bring with them the emotional histories and attachment styles that helped shape the person they are. These include both positive and problematic emotional histories. In the early phase of a growing relationship we feel emotionally engaged, comfortable, and accepted by our partner. We would not pursue that relationship if we had not. But there can come a point where the comfort we feel in the relationship is challenged, where we begin to avoid our partner and grow anxious about how we are treated by our partner. Here is where each person needs to look at themselves, rather than pursue the all-too-easy pattern of blaming the other. EFT helps us look at ourselves, our emotions in particular, to help us identify and address the troubles being experienced relationally. In doing so, long ago unattended wounds can be addressed. A person may worry that identifying past problematic emotional experiences will be a cause for rejection by their partner. Rather, trusting in the strength of one’s partnership can be the very source of resolving past wounds. It can be the place where we can feel understood and accepted so that past negative experiences can reduce or eliminate their hold on us.
Sue Johnson identifies a number of steps in EFT for couples. The first is to recognize the problematic patterns of communication and behavior towards each other. She labels these problematic patterns “the demon dialogues”. These are the insults, the accusations, the resistance, and defensiveness that prevent a couple from moving forward. Demon dialogs lock the conflict in place with each person feeling justified in their part in that dialogue. Couples get louder or more avoidant which can be regarded as a defense against going deeper into their own emotional history. They become frustrated that this person whom they thought would help get them beyond past hurts is now the person who piles onto that hurt. It is here that rather than protecting and defending, a person in a demon dialog needs to be open, risk vulnerability, and find healing for the present and their past rather than resisting facing those historical hurts and behaving in an attachment style that is unproductive.
Marriage and couple partnerships are the perfect context in which to address complexities from the past. Too often a partner or spouse will resist the change that could be made in the safety of their relationship. If you are stuck in some bad dialogues try to be honest with yourself about your needs, fears, desire for safety, etc. that preserve the negative. If rather than defending themselves, a partner can reveal where they have been hurt or what they need emotionally, the couple can be set on the path of a different conversation altogether. It is here that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can begin.
If you think you are stuck in a demon dialogue or are looking for more help in your relationship, you can contact Spring Tree at info@springtreecounseling.com.
Works by Susan Johnson include Hold Me Tight and Created for Connection among other more academic writing.